I don’t do well with free time, I never really have. I don’t know what to do with myself and can very easily get stir crazy. In the last two weeks since I left Waterfront Restaurant, I have had PLENTY of free time. I guess quitting was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing, in the sense that I was miserable there but a curse as now I don’t really have much to do, and well, no source of income. I have found myself in this awkward limbo of a lifestyle where I’m sort of just waiting for the next chapter to begin. I was hired at the Sydney Tower Restaurant but getting started there has been the slowest process ever. At this point, I really need to work as the money is dwindling and for some reason everything seems to be getting more expensive at just the right time. I was told today that I’d finally be starting my training next week. Thank God! Chloe hasn’t started working full hours at Meyer yet so the two of us are enjoying our beloved free time together. Not having a packed schedule though has given us a bit of a chance to explore but not having a job has equally limited it. I guess there are times when I regret quitting when I did, but I’ll be the first to admit that this transition phase I am in currently is quite the learning experience. The words trial and error seem to have become my life motto in the past few weeks.
No one said this trip was going to be easy and I was quite surprised when the first few weeks went by seamlessly. We aren’t travelers moving to a new city every week and seeing new and exciting sites on the daily. We are trying to make our lives here in Sydney and sometimes that can be hard and not always as exciting and glamorous. At this particular moment, things are tough. With no job, an apartment that seems to be getting smaller every day, and construction workers who wake us up at 7 am, remembering why we are here is more of a challenge. People ask me all the time why I came here and with the aforementioned annoyances, it’s easy to ask myself the same question. Why am I here? I mean really….change has never been my forte and I don’t care for the unknown. If someone were to tell me as recently as a year ago that I’d find myself in Australia shortly after my college graduation, I’d think they were crazy. My entire life, I have had one plan, one goal, one vision of what my life was going to be like and randomly moving across the world was not part of it. But, somewhere along the lines, things changed and I now find myself for the first time not having a clue as to what I’m doing. Seeing so many of my friends from college move to NYC or LA to follow their dreams is so strange to me. They aren’t only pursuing their dreams, but going after the life I wanted, the life that was supposed to be mine as well. And meanwhile, here I am in Australia, doing god knows what. But is that really such a bad thing? I mean, I have spent so much of my life with blinders on that I forgot the significance of spontaneity. As soon as things started getting difficult here, it became so easy to whine and wonder why I gave up the security of my old life plan in favor of the unknown. But then, just when I’m getting tired of doubting myself and asking myself the same question over and over, I find these little moments…these little instances that make everything ok and even make me proud of the fact that I was brave enough to put myself in the most uncomfortable position I can imagine for myself. In people, places, and things I can all of a sudden find clarity and can once again get into the mindset that brought me across the world in the first place.
Upon graduation, I had few ideas as to which step was next. For the first time, I was allowing myself the freedom to explore, to just go and see what else is out there without worrying about falling behind on the strict timeline I had set for my life. I wanted to force myself to become comfortable in the uncomfortable, and to really see who I am and what I have to offer the world outside of the tiny bubble that has been my home for the past 22 years. Chloe and I are not backpackers traveling around, and I will actually be the first to admit that we are a bit too high maintenance for that, evidenced by our piles of luggage, and we really aren’t here for any specific purpose. We are here just because…to live, to establish ourselves in a foreign environment and see how we fare. I know that in the next few years, my life will take me in many directions, whether it’s going back to school or finding a job to devote myself to. But before all that, I want to make sure that I give myself a chance to really live for me while I still can. Before I have to settle down, I need to make sure that I have seen things, that I have explored, marveled, experienced and learned a bit about the world. Knowing that Sydney is only the first stop in this journey makes me more excited than anything else and gives me the motivation to make the most of my time here.
Pardon the following clichés, but life isn’t always about organization and security. It’s not always about knowing the next step and having complete control over the future. Life is about taking chances and trusting the unknown to deliver something that you would never have thought of on your own. Life is letting go and having a little faith in the world and learning that you really don’t know everything. The past six weeks have been incredible. I have laughed, I have cried, I have been amazed, annoyed, have seen some strange things and met some crazy people. I have let go of my inhibitions and need for security in many ways and still have a long way to go. And even though I’m unemployed and going broke, even though my apartment looks more like an oversized closet than a place to live, I still love it. I love this city, I love the energy, the buildings, the beach. In this newfound free time, I have found things to do and places to go that bring me so much joy I almost forget about the little things that bug me. Whether it’s a good night out, walking around the harbor, taking a dance class, laying on the beach or getting into some crazy situation that only Chloe and I would find ourselves in, at the end of the day, those things are what make the struggles all worth it. And regardless of the stresses, I couldn’t be more excited for the coming months and the stories that have yet to be made. Yea, things are hard, life can be a bitch, and yea, I may not know what I’m doing….but I’m sure I’ll figure it out along the way.
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